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I was all set yesterday to announce some lovely news for our family. Happily I am still able to do that but it is tinged with great sadness.
We have known for 8 weeks that Jo is pregnant and she had the 12 week scan yesterday. We learnt at this scan that she had, in fact, been carrying twins. Sadly one of them has not survived.
We had prepared ourselves for many different scenarios from the scan but this was not one we had envisaged at all. Bizarrely, Jo and I had both said a while ago that we thought she was having twins. In fact, we both dreamt about it on the same night. These things work in funny ways.
The twin survived to about 8 weeks. Obviously our immediate reaction was to wonder if we could have done anything any differently but everyone tells us – and we know really – that early pregnancy is something none of us can have any control over.
It’s easy to say that we should just be happy for what we have got. And don’t get me wrong, we are so thrilled that Archie will be meeting his brother or sister, all things being equal, early in 2011. But we have been thrilled for 8 weeks about that already and there is plenty of time to reconnect with that feeling in the coming days and weeks.
For now we are just really sad for losing one of the twins and confused as to how to feel in general.
So here’s to our little fighter – and the brother or sister he or she only very briefly knew.
Felt very teary reading this news. I too had a similar scenario at the 12 week scan where we found out the baby had not survived past 8 weeks. A real shock when you are not even aware you've lost a child inside you. My thoughts are with you, and at the same time I am really happy for you that your little fighter continues to thrive xxx
Thanks Lisa, I am so sorry to hear about your loss too. Yes, the fact we didn't know it was there made it all the more surreal. Thanks for your very kind thoughts and comment… xxx
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of one of your babies. Please know that nothing either of you have done has caused this to happen and you have just as much right to grieve over the loss of this little one, as you have the right to be happy about the one who is still with you. You have my deepest sympathy.
I wish you a happy and uneventful pregnancy with the newest tiny chef.
Thanks for your very kind comment, Joslyn. We too hope that the rest is uneventful and that we will be meeting the new sous-chef early in 2011!
Nic! Wow, I have tears in my eyes. Massive congrats to your family on the good news. I hope it carries you through this difficult time. I hope the rest of the pregnancy is smooth sailing for you and Jo! xxxx
Thanks for your kind thoughts. We too are hoping that the rest of the pregnancy is smoother sailing. Jo is already starting to feel better than she has in the first 12 weeks… xx
Give yourselves time Nick and all will be well with your little fighter x
Hugs for you and Jo and Congratulations to Archie for his new Big Brother status xxxx
Thanks Nicola, I love that "little figher" term. Pretty well sums it up. And Big Brother is definitely looking forward to having HIS baby!! xx
Bless you all and hope you find the strength to cope with your loss. And congratulations that you will be celebrating a new addition, I hope that will be a comfort to you in your grief.
Thanks Steph, it is indeed a comfort to us both… x
Life is bittersweet sometimes isn't it, I sorry for your loss but at the same time wish you many congratulations for Archie's new sibling. I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly and wish your soon to be expanded family all the best.
Thanks Sarah, bittersweet sums it up perfectly x
Hugs to you and Jo, happy for your lovely news and sorry for your less – wishing a healthy, happy pregnancy from now on.
Thanks so much, we are keeping fingers crossed for the rest of the pregnancy too…
Oh Nick, Jo & Archie…goodness. I'm so sorry for your loss. And yet, so happy that you have a child coming into a family that obviously is so wondeful and loving. My thoughts are with you…what a difficult situation! Take care, have lots of cuddles and know that next year will bring a pretty amazing addition to your family. Hugs from Ella and I…
Thanks Karin and thanks Ella. Your comments about our family are so very kind. Yes, it is difficult but we are optimistic that next year will bring an amazing addition…
Sending more ((Hugs)).
Such a mix of emotions to deal with all at once.
xxxxxx
Thanks Eli. Yes, it really is such a mix of emotions, but 10 days on we are more positive and know how lucky we are to have what we have… xxx
Hi darling,
Just wanted to say how sorry I am but I know that you will give your new baby all the love in the world. Thinking of you all xxx
Thanks Liz, sorry it has taken me 10 days to reply, been a surreal time as you well know… thanks for your kind thoughts, they mean a lot xx
Bittersweet is just the word to describe this news and I congratulate and commiserate with you in equal measure. I also had a 'missed' miscarriage recently and I know how awful it is to lose a baby and not even know it – I imagine your wife will be sad about that little lost life for a long time to come. But meantime you have a healthy little bean to look forward to and I wish you every happiness!
Oh Claire, you sum it up so perfectly. I am so sorry to hear of your loss – although, at the same time, it has been kind of "reassuring" to read how many people have suffered similar situations. And yes, we very much have a little bean to look forward to, albeit that we are sad about the little lost life we didn't know was actually there… thanks for taking the time to post your kind comments…
Just giving you a hug. There. Much love x
hard to know what to say in moments like that.
it is sad, and at the same time great news that one of the twins survived.
All I can do is wish happiness and a healthy pregnancy from now onwards!
and send a big bear hug to you all!!
stay blessed!
Thanks Yuri, you sum it all up perfectly… thanks for your kind comments and thoughts…
My heart and congratulations go out to you all. I hope you can get past the loss and look forward to your new baby x
Thanks so much, yes we are definitely remembering how lucky we are too and looking forward to meeting the surviving twin…. x
I am so sorry for your loss, and hope that you find a way to grieve for the little one. A huge congratulations to your little fighter and I hope the rest of the pregnancy is plain sailing x x x
Thanks Kerry, I love the "little fighter" term, it really sums it up. We are looking forward to meeting him/her and I am really grateful to you for your kind thoughts and comments… xx
Congratulation! my thoughts are with you! its fantastic news that you have a little fighter and i am so sorry your good news is sad news too…i suggest some form of counseling as this is likely to affect you more long term than a usual miscarriage…i am very sorry but both of you remember you are not alone (i lost twins almost 2 years ago)
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
kay
Hi Kay, I am so sorry to hear of your loss too. This blog post has shown me quite how common this situation is. I love the term "little fighter" – we definitely have one here. It has been reassuring that most people have viewed this as a proper miscarriage, and not just a meaningless loss because there was another healthy baby. Thanks so much for your kind comment and thoughts xxx
Congratulations and sad thoughts for you all at once. I believe it’s called ‘disappearing twin syndrome’ and is more common than we know, mainly because often the twin is lost before the first scan and no-one is any the wiser. We found out we were expecting twins at 5 weeks but were told there was a good chance that one may not make it to the first scan so spent the next 7 weeks worrying.
I am so happy that you have a little fighter still to look forward to meeting. Exciting times.
So sorry for you all Nick. That doesn't take away from the joy of what is to come, but it's important to acknowledge this sadness and deal with it. Thinking of you xxx
Big hugs and congratulations, your emotions must be all over the place at the minute. Wishing you all love. x
Thanks VBH, you sum it up perfectly, although 10 days later we are veering towards really feeling lucky to still have a little fighter to look forward to meeting… x
((HUGS)) and congratulations on such a bittersweet time xx
Thanks Liz, bitersweet sums it up so perfectly – although as time goes on, we are feeling more of the sweetness than the bitterness and recognising how lucky we are to have what we have xx
Just to say you are doing a brilliant job at taking it all in your strive, accepting the sadness and the loss and rejoicing at the life within you. Keep loving and weeping as there is no love without weeping and no weeping without love. Look at all these comments…if you would have not shared all that you would have not read all these supportive messages. God bless you all and keep you safe. Congrats to you all. Maria
Thanks for your very kind thoughts Maria and your beautiful words about loving and weeping. I felt I had to share the full story because I could not announce that we were expecting a baby without recognising the lost twin… it really is a case, as you say, of accepting the sadness and rejoicing in the life too…
Don't let anyone tell you to 'just be thankful' you have one surviving baby. You have 6 more months and then the rest of your lives to be thankful for that surviving baby. Right now it's important to grieve for the baby you've lost, the baby you won't ever know. A lot of people are probably going to say things like 'But you didn't even know you were having twins, so you haven't lost anything' and that's rubbish. Absolutely nonsense. Pregnancy is hard enough emotionally when it is problem-free and uneventful. Jo must be devestated an doubting herself right now, and I'm sure you've had your share of niggles (my husband used to get so upset at the thought that it was him who had 'done this' to me and felt like he was at the root of all the problems for knocking me up!) but neither of you have done anything wrong, neither of you could have done anything else. The minute she became pregnant with twins she was battling very high odds. Nothing that you could have done could have made the outcome any different. I know you know that, but I still think you need to hear it from everyone you can.
I'm rambling, but I just feel so so much pain for both of you. I'm terrible at this sort of stuff. I cried when I read your tweet. As I said. Wishing hard for a healthy and problem-free next 6 months and beyond.
Henri, thanks so much for your kind and detailed comment. You weren't rambling at all and I was really moved by what you said. We did have a few people say that we didn't know we were expecting a twin or "at least there is another one" but the overwhelming majority have been unbelievably kind and recognised this as the true miscarriage it was. We did have our moments of doubting but we do realise that there was nothing we could have done differently. Even wrapping Jo up in cotton wool would not have changed the outcome. 10 days on and we are now starting to feel more positive than sad, looking forward to meeting our little fighter in six months or so… x
Sitting here feeding my precious Eddie with tears rolling down my cheeks… I'm so sorry for your loss but also thrilled for you that you have a little fighter set to join you next year. Lots of hugs to all 3 of you and hope all is plain sailing from here x x
Thanks Pagea, we too are hoping that the remaining six months are plain sailing… "Milkymoos" is our inspiration, as she has gone through exactly the same thing… xx
Thinking of you both. x
Love to all three of you and to your surviving little twin. He or she will be loved and welcomed all the more for being the only one of you to have spent time with your lost little baby. It must be the strangest time for you all, but you have each other and your very special love. I hope everything goes smoothly from now on.
Take care.
Sue xx
Aw Sue, that really moved me. You are right – he/she will be the only one who spent time with the lost twin. Yes, it has been a strange time but we are also lucid enough to know how lucky we are to be expecting another baby. Just hoping for an uneventful 6 months to come… xx
How confusing to be told such sad news and such good news at the same time. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that you are both able to come to terms with it in time. I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly. Thinking of you all xxx
Thanks so much Amy, yes confusing times but we are now thinking about things positively and looking forward to meeting our little fighter… xx
Such sad and such happy news at the same time. Of course when you a baby passes it is one of these things that just doesn't seem right and from experience it can be confusing. All you can do is deal with each emotion and thought as they come and over time it will become easier. Wishing you all the best for the rest of the pregnancy.
Thanks Laura, even in the relatively short space of time since, it has become easier. We are certainly lucky to have a little fighter to look forward to meeting… It was confusing but, yes, I think we have got our heads around it now, although I am sure it will come back to us in unexpected ways…
Congratulations! I'm sorry that your twin did not survive. Nature is cruel to be kind sometimes.
Many good wishes for the rest of Jo's pregnancy and the arrival of your baby!
Thanks Hannah, that is how we are viewing it too. Maybe there just wasn't room for two to survive. I trust nature to make the right calls… And yes, we are hoping for an uneventful 6 months to come!
so sorry to hear of your loss but congrats as well. What a confusing and upsetting time for your family. Sending you best wishes. x
Yes, it is confusing and upsetting but now it is also exciting, as we recognise that we are very lucky to be able to look forward to meeting our little fighter x
There is nothing else to be said really, so I send you and Jo and a BIG HUG xxx
Thank you Peggy, the hug was very gratefully received… xxx
My Thoughts go out to you – take care
Thank you very much for your kind thoughts…
My husband's grandmother told me, in the 1970s, that her older daughter was a small baby girl who was born (before the First World War) after a larger stillborn baby boy. In those days before scans, you can imagine the rollercoaster of emotions when her expected baby had not survived, but then a little girl came out. After the war when her husband had survived Gallipoli, she felt that there must be baby boys to try to replace all the young men. She had another daughter but never had a son.
They say that you are never given more troubles than you can bear. I hope that this is the case for your family and that Archie has a healthy sibling.
Yes, it has crossed our mind too that this of course would often have not even been picked up in our parents' and grandparents' generation. Maybe some unexplained bleeding actually represented something more serious. I know what you mean about not having more than you can bear. In reality, we know our luck too and are greatly looking forward to meeting our little fighter hopefully in 2011…
It must be truley a difficult time for you all. So bitter sweet. As the other have said give yourself time and don’t feel that you have to feel grateful all the time, you have still had a loss. Look after yourselves and be there for each other. M/C is hard on all.
However congrats on Archies sibling, here is to a boring next 6 months.
Big ((())) to all.
Thanks Rachel, I couldn't have thought of a better term to describe what we hope our next 6 months to be – boring! If all goes to plan, it certainly won't be boring after that!
Nick, that is such sad news. You'll never forget or stop loving the little one you lost. Take care and take time to grieve!
So happy with the news that Archie will be a big brother though, many congratulations!
x
Thanks so much, I think you sum up where we are at perfectly… x
A bittersweet time, and you should be allowed some time to grieve.
Congrats for everything else though x
Thanks for your very kind thoughts, Nickie… x
I am so sorry for your loss. And looking forward to your upcoming blessing. Anna
Thanks Anna, we too are very much looking forward to meeting our little fighter…
So sad to hear about your loss, Nick and Jo. Hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well.
Take Care
Jo xxx
Thanks for your very kind thoughts Jo… xxx
Nick and Jo – how strange and difficult – and joyful – it must be for you at the moment. People often say there are good reasons for these things to happen, but how hard that is to accept. Now is the time to grieve for your lost little one – but how special your new baby will be. And what a lovely big brother Archie will make. I know we don't know each other, but all my love and caring thoughts go to you all.
Thank you Liz for your lovely comments. Yes, we hope Archie will make a lovely big brother to "his" baby… as for not knowing each other, I know you have been part of this crazy adventure since the beginning so feel like I know you very well indeed!
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I am so, so sorry to hear the bad news. It must be an indescribable pain to want to both cry and celebrate. I really do feel for you. I hope that all goes really well with the rest of the pregnancy.
Thanks Spencer, you are very kind indeed, I do appreciate you taking the time to comment…
Just catching up on your blog posts. Sorry to hear the news – maybe that's why Jo was feeling so ill with everything? Here's to a healthy pregnancy for the rest of the year & onwards.
Yes Claire, I think this all explains a lot… hope all is good with you guys and you are enjoying the sun!
A friend of mine went through the same… You should just do what you feel, don't worry about what others say. If you felt the twin so much (as I would have..), then it's just right to grieve for him. You owe it to him and to yourself!
…then you'll be able to fully welcome the new little one who will soon join your family.
I wish you all the best.
A big hug
Thanks Sara for summing up where we are at so beautifully. We are now moving towards feeling positive and looking forward to meeting our little fighter in 6 months or so…