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I was invited on to Louisa Hannan’s morning show on BBC Radio Oxford yesterday (always a really good listen by the way), to talk about a survey last week which highlighted toddler eating habits.
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My heart always sinks when I see these reports published. They use such emotive phrases – “How to get your kids to eat properly”, “Is your child fussy” – and seem to miss out the most obvious point:
We are talking about toddlers here!
100% of toddlers I have ever met are fussy, full-stop – whether it is around food or in any other part of their lives. They are learning to exert their will, make their choices – and, of course, wind up their parents. I don’t understand the surprise expressed at the fact that young children can be picky around food. And then as soon as they are perceived to be picky, we label them as fussy.
People often ask me if Archie eats everything. He doesn’t. In fact, at the moment, getting a plate down on the table without a dismissive grunt can be a real challenge. It may be teething, he may be under the weather, he may just be being a fesity arse! But it seems completely normal to me.
We try not to get drawn into his dramatics. We won’t give him other options, we don’t play eating games, we don’t threaten him with losing something if he doesn’t eat up. In fact, we completely ignore it because we know that when he is really hungry, he will eat. And he really doesn’t look like he is undernourished or melting away.
Lou asked me on the show what can be done to encourage kids to eat. There is no doubt that engaging Archie in the whole process, from shop to table, really does help. A dish Archie has been involved in will invariably be more popular than one he has not helped with. We also do like to try to eat as a family, where logistically possible. And yes, we leave him in no doubt that vegetables are good for you, even though confusingly the survey said that 80% of parents thought it was a fib to tell your kids that vegetables make them grow up strong.
But beyond that, we don’t like to make an issue out of food. As I said on the show, food is just part of what “happens” in our house, it’s just something we “do”. We don’t try to turn it into an event in its own right. We don’t praise him if he has eaten “well” (but we do ask him if he enjoyed it) and we ignore it if he hasn’t eaten much at all.
I feel that the food only becomes a battle ground if we, his parents, let it become one. Of course it can be hard work, soul-destroyingly frustrating even, but I just remind myself that this is a toddler we are dealing with – and contrariness and independence are part of the terms and conditions…!
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What do you think? Is it unfair to labels kids as fussy eaters? What works in your house? Do you generally serve your kids with the same food you eat? Do you ever lie to your kids to get them eating?
Wonderful blog post. I have a little one whom is about the same age as Archie. Harry is 3 in October. From weaning, he was given the opportunity to taste everything … even down to a bit of butter and marmite on mummy's finger. His regular snack as a toddler became marmite rice cakes, which really are quite healthy.
When he first moved onto solid food, we would always prepare extra and freeze it in pots to be reheated later as and when convenient. He would have lasagne, spaghetti bolognese, chilli, chicken with leek and cheese sauce, cottage pie, homemade curry. Generally the spicy food we would tone down a little for him. My partner used to prepare a lot of fruit purees, so that his "sweet" could be taken care of by something 100% natural and not processed.
He now takes great interest in helping us cook, and will often sit on a stool at the breakfast bar asking if he can take pieces of food in preparation … chopped onion, carrot, tomato, etc. He enjoys helping with pastry where he can.
Like every child, he does love chips, but that is very much on the odd occasion and we generally try to avoid fast food restaurants wherever possible. Plus like every other child he has moments where he doesn't want to eat dinner, so he is left to it, and will have something later. Although it is frustrating when you have just opened a banana or yoghurt and he immediately decides he has changed his mind. He is then told about that it is not good to waste food, and we are disappointed that he asked for something he didn't want.
From birth, we have always taken him out to restaurants with us, which I think has also helped in his appreciation of variety. These days, he is always very keen to try any meal that we may have.
My personal opinion is that many parents do not take sufficient time to feed their child properly and will quite happily give them processed meals, rather than home prepared food. This is probably due to convenience or perceived cost issues. Likewise, we didn't subscribe to using the television as an electronic babysitter!
Fully agree. We don't make a fuss about anything and happily tell our children exactly how the body uses food to grow, mend etc. I also believe that people live up to the labels you give them so steer clear of anything which could become a self fulfilling prophecy when talking about my children especially if they are within earshot. Talking of cake, I think we might make a yummy plum cake this afternoon…
No.
I feel that children decide what they like to eat and what they chose not to eat. However if they are only given the option to eat what they want rather than what they *should* then I feel that is a parental control issue not a childs fu…ssy eating issue.
Children tend to listen to what their body needs, so if they are going through a few days of eating not much else than dairy products – that's obviously what their body needs. Same applies with fruit / veg and carbs. Equally sometimes they don't feel 100%, much like Archie this wk, so don't eat much else than comfort food (no different to us adults!). Or eat you out of house and home – probable growth spurt.
My point being is that we are all different and we all need different things, doesn't mean we're fussy.
Xxx
My 16 month old, has rarely been fed anything other than what we are eating, even when he was weaning. Curry, risotto, roast dinners, fish, spag bol, pastas, lots of veg, you name it he's eaten it, without any complaints. He LOVES YO!Sushi and Wagamama, and has never turned his nose up at anything, except jelly, though only once. We go through phases of liking or not liking some foods, so why shouldn't kids. As long as kids are brought up on a varied diet with lots of tastes and textures, they have no reason to be fussy. Fussiness often stems from kids wanting to exert their own attitudes and power over us, and decide what they want to and don't want to eat, but only because they can.
Hello – I’ll summarise my experiences and views:-
Moved in with partner, expected him to eat whatever I cooked, but he was very fussy, consequently we ate lots of takeaways. Our son was born 9 years ago, partner took over cooking, started eating more healthy food. I didn’t feel confident about what to give my son, bought Annabel Karmel’s book to get ideas, really helpful. Partner now has MS and really took note of no additives, wholemeal products etc. We now eat extremely healthily, low saturated fats, no booze, I don’t miss it and have lost weight myself, bp gone down. Son is engaged with cooking, I try to give him information about food and why he shouldn’t eat too much of certain things. We take a ’1-2-3′ approach to fruit and veg, so at least 1 item for breakfast, 2 for lunch and 3 for dinner. It helps all of us to do meal-planning, son helps with that too. I don’t like to judge other parents but I hate seeing kids with fizzy drinks
I think we can all have fussy times, children being no exception. I do think that when we stop offering (or if people never started offering) good choices, the fussiness/pickiness can take hold and be hard to break from. I do think it's possible to for a family to break free from fussy habits. We've a friend who is starting to see that she's allowed her kids (5 and 7 years old) to become fussy eaters, and she's working at what may be a long road away from it. However, this often means telling them they can't have cake, because they need food, so would they like some chips… Which is apparently an improvement. But, it is a step forward.
Our kids have often amazed our friends with kids by happily eating good foods even in the presence of crisps and sweets. Not that they avoid crisps and sweets
One interesting thing we've noticed is that our eldest has started to bend a bit to peer pressure–a few times in the second half of her reception year at school, she's come home saying that she doesn't like vegetables anymore, because some of her friends don't. These moments haven't lasted long, but it has been a bit interesting! She understands why we eat different kinds of foods, and that has been pretty important to her, and as she's become older, it's helped her make some of her choices about what to eat when she's not sure what she wants, but is hungry. She's starting to enter her age of reason.
I think kids can feel pigeon-holed as 'fussy' and have a harder time leaving a long phase of fussiness behind them, so in that usage, it is a bit unfair to label someone as a fussy eater. On the other hand, I think it's perfectly fair for kids to be able to say that they're feeling a bit fussy from time to time.
This is a reassuring read, both my 4 year old and 2 year old are 'fussy' with their food. However I'm noticing my older son is starting to broaden his range a bit now. I'm easy going with them and cook the food they like (pasta!) because by nature young children only like predictable things, many don't like to try things which are new or look different. Their diet isn't very varied but it is healthy so I try my hardest not to worry and they'll eat other things when they're ready. To be honest I've found some baby and toddler cookbooks go overboard on getting them to eat a variety of food at a young age and maybe it's not necessary. Oh and my 8 month old will only eat banana or porridge! Again, I'm not pushing it otherwise food becomes a battleground.
No. Personally, I think toddlers have very few ways in which to assert their will: we as parents constrain their lives (maybe some more than others, but I'd imagine that there are certain things that even the most relaxed parent won't let their child do – drink bleach, run in the road…). We are bigger than they are, and easily able to stop them doing many of the things we don't want them to do. But it is MUCH harder for us to control what they do and don't eat from the food that we make available to them. So this is one area where they can assert their will: by refusing to eat certain foods.
But in addition, I think that babies and toddlers know what they want and what they need, and I subscribe to the idea that no child has ever deliberately starved themselves. Some days Little S eats everything, some days he eats virtually nothing. Most days he doesn't eat vegetables unless they are small and round and green. But I think it is important not to fuss, and certainly not to label as a fussy eater. I do think it is important to eat with your child. To show them that food is something that grown ups do, and that Daddy and Mummy eat their food without throwing on the floor or swiping it off the plate. I am sure that I read somewhere that toddlers are very cautious with food, because in the days of living in a cave, it was sensible not to eat anything that you hadn't seen an adult eating. So in that vein, if he doesn't eat something on day, we keep offering it to him. One day he will try it and realise that it's not all that bad.
I agree with all you say. Toddlers go through fads and phases of eating and not eating certain things, but as long as all foods are still offered and available it's fine. We always tried to eat together, but sometimes it was just the children as Ii would wait til my husband got home, which was too late for them. We all ate together at weekends, all meals were at the table with no tv or any other distractions. All four of my children are now adults and like everyone of us, they each have a couple of things they don't like. But all the boys can cook too and one is a chef!
I think its a bit of the old nature vs. nurture debate – My eldest (now 3 1/2) was not interested in food from Day 1 and to this day still sees it mainly as refuelling, not enjoying food. My youngest is the other extreme, has been a joy with food from Day 1. I certainly think I fell into some of the classic weaning traps with what appears to be a 'fussy eater' (eg. panicking about his weight when he refused food so tried something else – totally made a rod for my own back with that!). Eldest now relatively much better ever since he's been allowed to serve himself as he feels in control so I do that as much as possible. Otherwise I'm strict now, don't offer alternatives and sometimes he has good days and sometimes not but I'm at least more chilled about it which helps a great deal.
I think the other posters are right. My toddler could be labelled 'fussy' as he has very definite ideas about what he likes, and inspects food before he eats it!
Also don't toddlers go through a stage of new-food phobia? Probably a survival mechanism designed to ensure that they don't eat something bad, so they stick to foods that they know and trust.
We keep offering him what we have and sometimes he eats it and sometimes not, and we try not to mind too much either way (easier said than done!). If you label children fussy, though, I'm sure it sets up control battles later.
I was guilty of making an issue over food until I chilled out and realised that if he wasn't eating then it was because he had a cold or was under the weather, or teething.
I've found that most toddlers who really are 'fussy eaters' are so because their parents pander to them and don't tend to offer a wide range of foods, they often pass on their own preferences, not giving the child the chance to decide for themselves if they like a certain food or not.
Totally agree with other posters. My toddler goes from ultra 'fussy' or as I like to call it, bloody minded – to being adventurous beyond belief the next day. I try not to show emotion either way – though I do admit to smuggling fruit and veg into some dishes he may not know they're in. The biggest issue in our house is how long it takes Charlie to eat – sometimes 90 mins per meal. Perhaps he's continental at heart!
My son is almost 4 and I sometimes get annoyed at other mothers who point out that he doesnt eat much, unlike their children, hes never been a big eater and he rarely eats everything on his plate. At the moment, Im concentrating on eating together at the table, even when we have days out we will take time out from what we are doing to sit together. I dont worry so much about this labelled "fussiness" one mum said to me "its the same for them as it is for us, sometimes you want a big roast dinner, and some days you only feel like having a salad" and she was right, Im not going to force anything on him, as its more important that he enjoys meal times. However, I do find it a challenge when he pushes his plate away and asks for dessert instead! Great post, and I agree with the supermarket to table approach – even if they dont eat it, they are still learning about the food.
Can I controversially say that sometimes kids are fussy? And that's just because they are fussy? And I don't mean calling them fussy and applying that label, but I need some way to describe it here!
I say that because I am a fussy eater. I was fine when I first weaned (so I'm told), and gradually got fussier. And you know what? It's because I had issues with texture and strong flavours. It didn't make any difference what my parents gave me. Even now, I have to close my eyes and swallow when I eat something that has bits of fruit in it… My sisters, on the other hand, brought up in the same way, have no such issues.
I'm trying very hard not to pass any food issues through to Moo. She loves fruit (the one thing I still can't eat), and she's tried lots of different things. Not everything – I'm not going to buy lots of special food just for her – but she has anything that's going. And some of it she likes. Some of it she hates. She's not a big fan of carbs – no bread or potatoes, although she loves pasta. But she'll eat any meat you give her, and loves most veg. But she's strong willed. So sometimes she just won't eat.
Query to those who say that if their child doesn't eat, they don't give alternatives. I try to do this too, but sometimes that means she's cranky well before the next meal because she's hungry. How do you deal with that?
Nick I wish you were around when my two where growing up but then it was some 20+ years ago and I think the internet revolution had only just begun! I'm not sure where I went wrong but I have one who eats most things and loves healthy food and I have one who really hates fruit and veg and lives on carbs? You figure it out. I'm just hoping for a miracle that one day she will wake up and love healthy food… I think the way you and Jo approach food with Archie is amazing, healthy and balanced. I take my hat off to you both!
My son is 2.5, my daughter is 1 next week. She'll eat ANYTHING (even down to stuff she's pulled off the dog's paws), just as he used to. Now he picks, prods, decides he doesn't want it. So the real battle is getting the first spoonful into him so he can realise that actually, y'know, this isn't half bad…
At meal times now, if his nose turns up, I ask him to at least eat one spoonful. Then if he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to eat it. But I make it quite clear he doesn't get an alternative. It's amazing how often his tummy overrules his head, and the plate gets emptied.
P.s We spent a while yesterday shelling (and eating) peas. I gave him fishfingers, chips and peas last night for dinner. Couldn't get him to eat a chip for love nor money. Peas and fish, though, disappeared without a trace…. I guess involvement really is the key